Once upon a time well around 14 years ago three toddlers called Van-dall bomB, Pistols and J.J Deville met at nursery not that J.J Deville realised that Pistols went to the same nursery as him until the day of this interview! The years went by and their friendships grew stronger J.J Deville: Just shut up!. They progressed into secondary school and grew up into well adjusted young men Van-dall bomB: my mum has never been to one of our gigs and never will do, due to the over use of F**k and C*nt.

Then one day a revelation struck them when Doggy$tyle decided that he could play the drums and Van-dall bomB decided he could, infact sing. It was on this day that Linda Goodmans Love Signs were born. J.J Deville, Pistols and Jack (a former band member) assisted Van-dall bomB and Doggy$tyle bringing musical knowledge to the band they could infact .....PLAY their interments. Their strongest influence was Motley Crue. Their music can only be described as, I quote ‘sleazy, f**kin rock’. (notice the lack of a ‘g’ in f**king this is not because we don’t know how to spell it, it was requested that it was spelt like this).

After many practices which consisted of a lot of arguing, swearing at each other, sarcastic comments, Doggy$tyle playing the drums when people were trying to talk, J.J Deville buying beer from a local shop and Pistols sitting in a completely different room playing the guitar. They finally got their first gig. Strawfods 18th birthday party, the unveiling of Linda Goodmans Love Signs. The night when all their hard work and practicing would pay off. Long before the time the gig was to start the band was found to be making themselves look........ strapping(Again not our choice of words). They arrived at the venue and like all good professionals got pissed, took illegal substances. On stage they went and started to play. Doggy$tyle made up a drum beat on the spur of the moment, J.J Deville added a bass line and Van dall-bomB added the vocals repetition was a major factor in the song, Pistols and Jack stood looking stunned.

But their best gigs were still to come. One night in the Vic Linda Goodmans Love Signs were on stage playing, when Van dall-bomB decided that punching the ceiling would be a good idea. The power went off. Doggy$tyle continues to play thinking to himself ‘Why can’t I hear anyone else’. Shortly after, this gig was topped when the band were paid..........to not play. The band was furious and to make up for their embarrassment and wasted time they stole from the pub a: this feels like the game ‘when i went on holiday i took.......’ bar stool, an ash tray and a TV which was later trashed as the remote was left behind. J.J Deville: it was a good TV, but we could only turn it on and off it didn’t have any channel changing buttons.

A record of 6 songs were written in a year. More songs than this were dropped however as they were written by Jack, who left halfway through the year. The bands most common sayings during the writing of these songs was, and still is ‘F**kin ay’

This brings us up to the present day stood in Matlock park on a cold day, 5 members of the band one permenent groupie- Van-dall bomB girlfriend Bianca and two interviewers trying to work out how to keep these strapping individuals under some sort of ‘control’. When asked what they would say to someone who didn’t like their music the general replay was ‘F**K OFF!’. When told this wasn’t original and that most bands who had already been interviewed said the same the band replied with...... ‘F**K OFF!’ At this point it was realised by one of the interviewers that there were young children running around. Once again ‘F**K OFF’ was repeated but instead directed at the children.

One last challenge for the band was to draw pictures of each other, this they delighted on, both the model who loved pulling poses and the artist , it was discovered at this point that they all had very good teeth. Some of these pictures were modified as the models were not impressed with them Van-dall bomB :that a pathetic picture Pistols, it looks nothing like me, give me the pencil and paper. This seemed to amuse the band for a while and the pictures were finally perfected. The next mission was to get photos of the band. It was discussed that having a picture in the middle of the skate park was a good idea. The interviewers and Bianca were slightly shocked and didn’t really want to get knocked over by someone in the aid of taking a photo, but we strolled over only to find that the band had decided against it.

While stood in a line discussing where to take the picture, we saw the opportunity and took a photo of the band in a natural pose. At the same time as this a shout of ‘Emo’ was screamed across the park directed at the band. J.J Deville falls to the floor, in the same manner as a cowboy who has been shot. Van dall-bomB begins to cry uncontrollably and suddenly recovers from the ‘shock’ and ‘pain’ that he had just encountered and says he wants a picture of them pissing in the river. Hoping that this was just another one of their hot aired ideas the interviewers and photographer followed them. It was then revealed that they were not full of hot air but something entirely different. Pictures in the flower beds was another one of their ideas and they did carry it out until we decided that crushing the flowers was a bit to much even for aspiring rock stars. Demonstrations of how to run, then entailed and a brilliant idea came to them. Having a picture taken of them running like this across a road. Luckily they did have some common sense and thought that it would be better to do it..... using a crossing. This sensible idea was covered up with ‘ we want to see what the drivers faces would look like’ . But to prove that they weren’t scared off running across a road, they did so. More photos were taken and the future of Linda Goodmans Love Signs was mused over. The forecast for Linda Goodmans Love signs is as follows: Doggy$tyle will be leaving to join the army or something like that and people within the band will switch instruments, with someone will be joining them to be drummer. In five years time the rain will be pouring on Doggy$tyle when he is being shot at in Iraq. For the rest of the other band members the sun will be shinning as they will no longer be in Matlock. Van-dall bomB will be an icon and so will J.J Deville, each writing a tribute album for each other, but just when J.J Deville's tribute album is about to be released he will die of a heroin overdose. In hearing the news Doggy$tyle if he hasn’t been killed already will.... copy J.J Deville and also die of a heroin overdose.

Whilst passing the swimming pool J.J Deville asks Doggy$yle if he has learnt to swim yet, Doggy$tyle says he has, and that he isn’t looking forward to having to jump off the diving board into some water. Van-dall bomB then points out that as Doggy$tyle doesn’t want to be at the top of the ladder the quickest way down is to jump. Doggy$tyle then adds ‘It’s the fastest way too’ ????? And who ever said that drummers were stupid?

Shoe sizes were also discussed not really knowing why this question was at all relevant the band decided it was because we wanted to know the sizes of the c*cks, funnily enough it wasn’t, we just wanted to see your reaction to an overly pointless question. But thanks for telling us anyway. At this point lots of girls will be wanting to know the details of the discussion and perhaps some lads as well wanting to see what they are up against, however as proud as they are, we decided that perhaps it was a bit much to put it onto the internet. You’ll just have to find out for yourselves.

In conclusion to the interview we decided to get the band to nominate a band member for each of these roles.

And the nominees of the moodiest were..... J.J Deville so he won anyway Van-dall bomB: J.J Deville's the moodiest, grumpiest b*st**d I’ve ever met!

For Poshest ......... Pistols again hewins by default

For Smelliest .........Doggy$tyle. Doggy$tyle: No way!!!! J.J Deville: You’ve worn the same shirt for the past three days! Van-dall bomB: You never go home you just say that, and go to someone else's house, you wear their clothes too.

Creative............ there is silence, clearly nobody in the band is creative, eventually Van-dall bomB is nominated Doggy$tyle: why Van-dall bomB? J.J Deville: because he writes the lyrics.

Quietest....... Pistols and Joey Starlin’. J.J Deville: haven’t you noticed that neither has said anything for the whole of this interview. You’ll have to check now wont you!

And the most embarrassing wasn’t decided upon clearly they are all pretty equal. The moral behind this story as prompted by Linda Goodmans Love Signs. ‘Don't bother’ , ‘Don’t bother you’ll never be as good as us’ and ’If you’re going to be in a band at least look good and dress well’.

And that children was the tale of Linda Goodmans Love Signs, bound to be the next favourite fairy tale which will no doubt be adopted by Disney. I would now like to take the opportunity to say the following things. Although these lads are funny there are clearly not big and clever so please do not try the following......

running across roads

using rivers as toilets

standing on flower beds

and joining the armed forces.

Since this interview was written there have been a number of changes Doggy$tyle has left the band and joined the marines and [Ms. $h’nary] bry hard has taken his place Joey Starlin' has been kicked out. The name of the band has also changed and out can find them reincarnated as Candy Apple Sour.

THE END

When asked to proof read the interview, this was Van-dall bomB's response...

P.S. We were only paid to leave the gig because we took Joe Man Hater with us and they were offended by how they are all quite clearly transvestites. We hadn't even played yet.